life tales

a letter to myself

8 July, 2018

Dear Self,

What a spectacular journey we have been on over the past few years. It is hard to fathom just how much we have made it through and how much we have learned in the process.

To my head. Thank you for everything that you have helped me to achieve in your time as leader. I am grateful for your productivity, drive, dedication and hard work that has helped me achieve so much in such a short period of time. You have allowed me to really thrive academically and professionally, which has reminded me of what I am capable of. However, it is time that we address the stories that you have written, and fears that you have fed over my entire life that have time and time again been my downfall. I am ready to let go of being questioned about whether I am good enough or lovable. And I no longer need you to override my feelings in every area of my life. I acknowledge that you are scared of the pain of getting hurt again. So am I. But I am even more scared of living a half lived, blunted life. And so I am ready and willing to let my heart take a leading role and accept whatever comes. Don’t worry, you are still needed in my life for the strengths that you bring.  But you are no longer required to steer the ship.   

To my heart. Three and a half years ago you saved my life. At a time that I had let my head take control to avoid the pain associated with stress, hurt and feeling as though I didn’t fit in, you graciously stepped up in spite of my abandoning you and pushing you aside for a significant period of time, and taught me how to love food and life again. You guided the course of my life back on path. When I allowed you to be vulnerable, you strengthened my relationships and allowed me to get the support I needed to make changes. You also helped me face the fears I was unwilling to admit were causing me so much anguish. By fully accepting all of my feelings, you navigated me through the stormy waters of true healing. And for that I am forever grateful. Thank you for the way that you have transformed my friendships and family relationships. And thank you for showing me what it means to truly live and love. It is at this point that I must also say how deeply sorry I am for how we have drifted apart. Although I never intended it to happen, by listening to the wrong stories, I pushed you away again, which I had promised I would never do. Instead of living from a purely love based place, I know that I have been living with a lot of fear.

The last time we were truly connected, my world felt as though it were falling apart. Between work, home and heartbreak, I was in a world of pain so deep that I didn’t know if I would ever be ok again. So when I was tempted by a solution that promised that I would never feel like that again, I took it. Even though it meant disconnecting from you.

Looking back at the time, you wrote:

It is easier to hide who we really are and not get hurt in the moment than to be ourselves and face the fear of being truly rejected by someone. We would rather be caught up in false relationships than to experience truth. Because truth is scary. Truth is uncomfortable. But truth is the most fulfilling feeling in the world. 

Being authentic is showing vulnerability, which I belief is akin to showing great strength. Being completely genuine. Being real. Being authentic means being self-aware. It is being mindful.”

It was that same girl who also made this declaration:

“I will continue to throw my whole heart into life, and yes, get hurt at times. But if the hurt hurts, then you get to experience the wonder of the wonderful. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Although we have had our moments together since then, I know that if I’m honest, I haven’t been true to my word. In fact, this time with you has always been fleeting and controlled. Which is basically about as far from living wholeheartedly as I could get. Unless you were exactly where I have wanted you to be – in the safety range of emotions – I have treated you extremely poorly without even realizing it. 

Please forgive me and accept my invitation to reconnect. You did nothing wrong when you experienced deep pain, hurt, anger and grief. Nor did you do anything wrong when you let me be truly vulnerable. In fact, the love and total joy that I experienced in that time was greater than anything I had ever experienced in my life. You weren’t to know that you would get broken. It was just that the stories of my past had given me the wrong information and way of dealing with it, which was to avoid at all costs. So I left you in pain, and didn’t not care for you through the healing. And when you were healed, I continued to punish you by letting my head be the dominant commander, calling all of the shots. But no more.

My dear heart, my promise to you is this: I am going to try to nurture you, both now and in the future. To listen to you and to let you be. It is my hope that this gives you the courage to truly, deeply feel all spectrums of emotions. I know it will be hard at time, but I am willing to sit in the discomfort to live wholeheartedly.

To you both, we are in this together. And we have a long journey ahead of us. There are radical shifts in this world we need to see and a full life to live ourselves. There is great love for us to wholehearted accept – regardless of the consequences. And I need both of your support. Please listen to each other, and provide a safe, caring environment for us to thrive.

All my love

Elizabeth xx 

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